For those of you familiar with my journal writing history, it may come to you as no surprise that I am again picking up the pencil...or keyboard, rather. My sisters and I used to break the locks on each others' diaries; our hiding spots were never good enough, and inevitably the thing would be found. We didn't enjoy much privacy growing up on top of each other. Of course I felt exposed and humiliated; my MASH reports, signature practice with my new last names, even the parts of me I hated were on display. That didn't stop me from looking twice as hard for their diaries, and it didn't stop me from writing to my imaginary audience.
I imagined that once my words were on paper that they didn't belong to me any more. Why would they? Once words are detached from our bodies, they change shape and meaning until their original intention is forgotten. 120 years from now, I'd think, a girl just like me will discover my diary under a floorboard. And just like that, I'll become immortal.
I've always had a physical notebook in my life--sometimes it's a journal, but more often its a combination of notes, phone numbers, important dates and creative ideas. And now, in my late twenties, with an increasing awareness of my own mortality, I've decided to pick up blog writing again. My physical notebook is fantastic, and I'll never let it go (truly), but it does have its limitations. Perhaps 120 years from now it'll be found under a floorboard by some smart, level headed misunderstood twenty-something, but why leave it up to chance?
My About Me page will tell you most of the vital things you need to know, but you'll undoubtedly learn more as I update. I'm a local [Saint Louis] creative personality, businesswoman, fitness enthusiast, singer, actor, model, people watcher, Doberman mother, foodie, and now blogger. Ask me what I do, and I'd likely respond with a list of things I am not. I am not a doctor. I am not a lawyer. I am not a marine biologist despite my MASH destiny.
I'm a person who is rarely satisfied, rarely contented. When one project is completed or mostly completed, a differentiation I should mind more often, it's time to move onto the next thing. The thought of staying stagnant is terrifying to me, while the feeling of being overwhelmed with too many commitments is all too familiar. It's a blessing; it's a curse! Luckily, I've found a way this summer to stay (mostly) sane and (relatively) commitment free. However, this fall the calendar is filling up!
And finally, my readers, some of you may be wondering what happened to my bikini competing aspirations. A few years ago I had a blog called, "Train Insane or Remain the Same," in which I documented my 3-months-and-some-change foray into bikini competitions. I took dramatic weight loss pictures and subscribed to the theory that an ultra-restrictive lifestyle was the only way I was going to be successful. I cut salt out completely, banned breads/grains after 10:30am, and did cardio twice a day. And at the end of 3-months-and-some-change I looked fantastic, sure, but on the inside I was exhausted, lonely, and ready to quit. I met Paul, my fiancé, a couple weeks later and I chose instead to fall in love, eat custard, and delete my blog.
I felt ashamed for a long time for giving up. My inbox was overflowing with messages from people I'd met throughout the years that wanted me to know how I'd inspired them with my journey, and I ignored their emails at the end and hid. I wasn't inspirational; I struggled just as they did to balance work, home, and health.
After aforementioned custard eating and falling in love, I decided it was time to find a healthy lifestyle that didn't make me miserable. Back at square one, I started making small goals to change my lifestyle. Instead of imagining how soon I could lose all the weight I wanted, I chose to focus on the long haul: life! What can I do that will be sustainable one week, one month from now? One year from now? Those initial changes snowballed into others as my body grew stronger, and three years later I've got a health and wellness routine that works for me, and I didn't take any special shortcuts or pills. I'm not as strict as I once was, and thank goodness for that. My goal now? To live as healthily and happily as possible. There is little else I can wish for.
This will not be exclusively a fitness blog, but it will be one of many topics I visit. Other musings include details on auditions I'm attending, shows I'm rehearsing for, new adventures (including my new foray into modeling), wellness of body and mind, and general updates in my life. I'm really just going to write whatever I feel like because it's my blog...do you blame me?